I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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