Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
