Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
