So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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