he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
