I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Randomize
