What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
