I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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