I think i peed on brittanys purse
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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