i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
