I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
