i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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