I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
