sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
