the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
