i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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