He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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