operation harelip BJ is a go
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
