"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
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Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts