I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
