have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
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2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
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Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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