Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
