He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
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