a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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