He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
