the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
