he wants to bone in the snuggie
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We got so high we made milksteak
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
