So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
