Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
