well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
