he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
