Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
