We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I cut my penus on the lid.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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