I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
There's always time for handjobs
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
