For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
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I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
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If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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