Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
