The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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