I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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