I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
