He asked to "fluff my boner.."
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
