I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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