You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
All I want is dick and wine.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
