My underwear smells like fireworks.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
