I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
