i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
