You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
