There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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