maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
