I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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