he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
