I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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