Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
