i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
