My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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