I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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