The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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