How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
