She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
