Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
