i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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